Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
