I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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