Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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