make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
