OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
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It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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