i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We have so much sex to catch up on
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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