I cannot find my penis.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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