I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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