I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
