I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
