I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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