New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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