this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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