Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
