just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
