wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
