My sheets look like a crime scene.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She's the barista slut.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
