I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
worst night to have a conscience
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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