matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
