he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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