No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
