He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
