do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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