so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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