I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
