we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
