Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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