he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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