He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
