Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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