The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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