I accidentally had phone sex last night
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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