I heard we made out
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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