Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
