Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
