At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
