and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
