3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
