i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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