Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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