my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
