when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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