i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
