my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am available for nakedness
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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