I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
