I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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