Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
