just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
