woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
third nipple confirmed
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
