How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize