ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
