You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
