What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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