My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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