Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
