Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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